Butterflies in the Rain

For the first time in my life, I am sitting here at my computer knowing I want to post something but not really sure where to begin. In fact, not only am I not SURE where to begin, I have no IDEA how to begin. But I want to share with you another adventure the Lord took me on! I want to share the many lessons His love and mercy have been pouring into my life. And yet, I want to share while still protecting the people whose dreams, desires, frustrations, and failures have been been privately stored on the shelves of my heart throughout this journey. So...this is my best attempt at it. =)

Maybe the best thing to do would be to begin with a question. Here it is...what do you really need? When it all comes down and you consider everything you have or want to have (talents, possessions, traits, relationships), what do you think you could honestly not breath without? Please don't answer that question with a simple, "Well, of course just God!" because I want to dig deeper than that. For 17 years (okay...maybe not quite that many since I didn't really think about this when I was 1...but still a long time), I have used my sweet church voice in answer to that question and said, "All I need is Jesus!" And I thought I believed it. Until a couple of weeks ago...when what I did have started falling out...falling to pieces. When I started being faced with losing some of the things absolutely most important in my life. That's when I considered that question again, and I realized I had never really depended on God alone all my life.

Of course, I went along with it all because it was easy. And it was easy to fake that Jesus was EVERYTHING...but He wasn't. He was only a fraction of my life...an emotional clock that ticked within my heart and made me run. But not the air I breathed, not the sunshine that my life was brightened by, not the rope I clung to when about to hit the cliffs of hardship. Through what has probably been two of the hardest weeks of my life, Jesus has taught me just that. I haven't always responded well. In fact, many times I have been so angry or defiant that I would do anything but surrender to Him!

I'm the kind of girl who has to learn things the hard way...and so I did learn the hard way. It just amazes me the way the Lord loves me enough to bring it on. To bring on anything that would show me what I really need to know to survive! His lesson to me was taught through taking away just about everything I held onto the most. And then, I was left with that question staring me in the face for the first time in a harsh, uninviting sort of way. I could no longer push my away around it. And you know, I found that Jesus is EVERYTHING! It's not just a spiritual thing we say...it is the truth. Health? He controls it! Relationships? Fall apart without Him! Nourishment? He gives it! Beauty? He created it! Talent? He is the source of it! And for the first time, I realized that I can do nothing apart from God...nor do I have any desire to. Because anything done outside of His blessing will completely crash and burn.

It's not my intention to type all of this up and say something along these lines, "Yes...so I have learned if I will never do anything wrong and my life is all about God, everything will work out! Therefore, I'm making everything about Him." I wish I could say my everything is about Him, but you can ask anyone close to me and they will tell you differently. Ask my parents...they see a sinning girl every day who lives for herself. Ask my girlfriends...they will tell you I still fight with them over boys and clothes...common, now, don't we? =) Ask my computer chat friends...they will tell you I fall apart to them every day over things that happen in my life. They will tell you that I live for myself, and they will tell you that because I do!

BUT, that is not really what it is about either. What I mean is, even the source of perfection is found in the Lord. God knows we will never reach His holy standard. We can't! So even our life and the way we live is completely controlled by the Lord and His grace. Of course we make choices, but we cannot do anything or build any relationship that will change who we are in the core of our being. Having a boyfriend doesn't change a thing about us...we might look like a sweetie to HIM, but that's because we are being fake. Serving at church doesn't change a thing...it only improves our self-image and often our self-esteem. Having friends doesn't change anything, nor does having talent, nor does having health. The only thing that can or ever does ultimately change our lives is God and His love! The only thing we cannot live without is Him! The only thing we need ultimately is to be in the center of God's heart. Here we are safe...here our relief is found and our souls can finally relax as we watch Him fight our battles!

This is a pretty demoralizing picture if you take the time to think about it. That we cannot control ourselves or breath apart from the God of the universe is demoralizing enough. That we are small enough that the very fact our bodies do not break into dust as we talk is demoralizing. But what really humbles me is the fact that we do not admit this...we pretend He is not the answer! We look to other things...anything else possible...first. God is usually only our last resort. Should it be that way? Honestly?

My heart's desire and goal for this post is to really touch those who are hurting. You know who you are! I don't...not really. I know things that you have shared with me at youth group, church, chat (for my pen-pals =) ), or music practice. But I don't know every person who will read this or every person who is hurting in their life. But are you? Be honest with yourself and admit it...is there pain in your life? Do you wake up each morning feeling the weight of your soul tying you down? Maybe you didn't even realize it before this moment but are you in some kind of trouble...physical, mental, emotional, relational pain? In MercyMe's song, "Hold Fast", they put it this way: "To everyone who's hurting, to those who've had enough, to all the undeserving, that should cover all of us." See...the fact of the matter is I don't think there is one person on earth who is not in severe tribulation of one kind or another. Oh, it might not be obvious and it might not be the worst hurt that person has or ever will know, but it is my belief that we don't even know what it feels like to be free of suffering! So, to those who just admitted they are hurting, I want to speak especially to your hearts for a moment.

If I am not mistaken, all you want is to be free. You want to be healed in one way or another. The only reason I can say this is because I am that way! The moment I take a hit, RING!!! There I am pushing on God's doorbell, begging Him to take it away. Often, my prayer is something like this..."It's just so icky, God! Please just remove this time!" And I think that is natural because God has made us to fight for what is good and wholesome. However, sometimes there is a reason for the pain. Sometimes, holding fast is the victory...not bettering change in circumstances. Sometimes the lesson is learned in the heat of the battle. 1 Peter 1:7 put it this way: "These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."

For me personally at least, one of the reasons I often want to be healed in a physical sense is because I am afraid. I fear what will come and yet never has! I fear the torturing nights and the long, dragging days. I fear crying! Yet if what was said above is true, if God is really ALL we need to breath, things cannot get worse. Not really! We are secure and protected by Him. If all we really need, we cannot lose anything we need because God is all we need. No matter what else falls, it is like shifting sand. We are built upon a ROCK...The LORD JESUS CHRIST! How beautiful to know that God is everything and everything fails to compare to God!

So, first of all, our victory may lie inside the battle lines. Secondly, we need not fear what awaits us in our suffering...for we are already conquerors in Jesus Christ! Finally, God has taught me (again the hard way) that sometimes the LAST thing we want to have happen is for the torture to end. If it did, Christ would not be glorified. I am going to quote from the book I'm writing for a moment, because I really like the way one of the characters states it. He says, "You pray and I pray...we all pray that God may be seen in our lives. He is the Sun. But how will the world see Him if it isn't for the darkness of the days we walk through? If there was not pain and suffering and blackness, the contrasting light of Jesus could not be seen. No matter how dark the days grow, we must remember it is not yet time for things to be easy. These are the Shadowlands we walk through before the glory that will be revealed when we see Him. Let us thank God, then, for the dark as well as for the light, for it is in the midst of the black tunnel that the light of Jesus shines brightest! It is in the dark cottage that the small crack of light can be seen glittering through the ceiling the very best."

Man, if God is going to be seen through me hurting and I cannot lose anything ultimately through it anyway, I think it is worth it! Not only is it worth it, it is completely my heart's desire. It is an answer to prayer...so be careful what you pray for! Laughs! God is just so good...and I know that He is using us every moment our hearts beat so long as we belong to Him. We can make it through this!

I'd love to share this song with you because I really pray it will encourage your heart and touch you in a place you need to be touched: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU&feature=related

I love all of you guys...really I do! It's impossible to let you know how much I owe each and every one of you for pouring yourselves into my life. But my prayer for you is that God may somehow carry you today and bless your heart. Thank you for listening to me...you didn't have to read this. You could have stopped way up at the first paragraph knowing you wouldn't get much out of it anyway. But if you are at this paragraph, then you didn't. And that is just incredible.

If you would, it would be an honor for me if you could post a response to let me know who read this and to let me know if God's lessons blessed your heart, too. Also, if you have ANY prayer requests, please post them! It would truly be an honor for BOTH me and Paradox to pray for you...and I mean that.

That's it for now...

Love and hugs!

Hannah